A Snappy Selfie: Week 1 – Self Portrait (52Frames 2015)

For many photographers, myself included, one of the hardest challenges is to reverse the camera and turn the lens inwards. A photographer is so used to showing his view on the world through his subject matter, that to actually be the subject can be incredibly daunting. Photographer-subject issues aside, I generally notice that I have a lot more photographs of myself at times when my self-confidence and self-esteem are high, and very few photographs taken during lower points in my life, an observation that I think many people can relate to.

This week’s theme, “Self Portrait”, is one that caused considerable angst among the 52Frames community, especially as for many it was their first chance to present themselves and their work to the community at large. For me, it was yet another challenge at a time when, after two months of travel and considerable loss of control over healthy eating habits, combined with almost a week of seeing beautiful bronzed bodies on the beaches of Sri Lanka, the last thing I wanted to do was take a photograph of myself and present it to the world.

In previous years, Self Portrait week has inspired in me unusual creativity in an attempt to hide myself from the world, while at the same time, still manage to showcase some elements of myself and my personality in my photograph. In 2011, the first ever week of 52Frames, we had the unusual leeway of submitting a portrait that wasn't taken the same week (not quite sure how that happened), but all subsequent years have followed the strict submission guidelines – a photograph taken of the theme within the week of the theme.

In the past two months while I’ve been travelling I’ve been in a constant battle with myself and my digestive system, and as a result, my weight has both ballooned up and shrunk down, mainly based on external circumstances and mental state. As the original comfort eater, mindful eating is something that I’m aware of, and generally try to practice, but it’s difficult when I’m not in a controlled environment, and especially under circumstances when it’s not so easy to find the food types that my body is used to. As a gluten-intolerant individual who has an aversion to spicy foods, the places that I’ve been traveling have proven quite challenging. In Sri Lanka, for example, where I am at the moment, baked goods and spicy curries are the main elements of the local diet, and the Western breakfast that they love serving to tourists comprise of toast, toast and more toast. You would think that I’d be losing weight in such an environment, but eating lots of fruit and rice, plus the lack of gluten-free options at rest-stops on long journeys, means that somehow I find myself eating more unhealthily than I ever have before. Local food limitations combined with the general ups-and-downs I’ve been experiencing all the time, don’t make for a great combination when it comes to healthy eating.

It’s amazing how much our bodies rely on routine, even if we’re unaware of it, and it’s fascinating and frustrating to see how much we are able to both satisfy and punish ourselves and our bodies through the medium of food. My struggle over the past few weeks has been how to deal with the realization that I haven’t been looking after myself as I should, and to try to figure out why that is, and what to do about it. Potential solutions have ranged from checking myself into an ashram for a few weeks to regain some control and routine, to cutting sugar out of my diet, to considering starting to cook or prepare food for myself instead of relying on restaurant food, and the last, and most difficult option, which is to simply try to accept myself and my current situation for what it is, and to try not to beat myself up too much about it, while at the same time, keeping an eye out for triggers and being a little bit more careful.

For those of you who have read my blog post about 52Frames 2014, you would remember reading about the angst I felt during the taking of my self-portrait last year. Unfortunately for me, the first week of the new year, apparently now designated as traditional “52Frames Self Portrait” week, also falls very close to my birthday, a time of introspection, and quite often nowadays, as I get older, a time of unnecessary and unwarranted self-judgement. Forcing myself in front of the lens at this time, especially during a time period when my body-image is low, can be both confronting and uncomfortable.

Traveling has also presented me with an additional challenge. The desire to document my travels and the dilemma of whether to actually be in my photos or not, is something that I think about quite often. While I am content to be behind the lens most of the time, I do feel that there are times that I should also be in front of the lens, and the fight to put myself there when I’m feeling low can be tough. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m walking around feeling unhappy or insecure all the time, in fact the opposite is true, but that insecurity when the camera is turned around and the photographer becomes the subject, is always at hand, irrespective of the circumstances.

This week’s photograph was a tough one to take. Not necessarily for any of the reasons I mentioned above, but due to lack of proper equipment (no tripod, no remote), lack of control over location and facilities, and a true desire to use my submission to showcase where I am right now and what I’m currently doing in life. The little fact of a swollen right eye also came into consideration, as I didn’t have a major desire to do a close-up of my face and the offending eye. I tried all kinds of setups, including using my friend’s hands as a tripod, and finding an empty lane with self-timer and an upside down garbage can, but none of my alternative submissions spoke to me as much as the one that I actually submitted. I wasn’t looking for a “happy snap” even though I had many options for stunning backgrounds. I wasn’t looking for a beautiful portrait of myself, or even a good technical sshot, but I was looking for something that represented me in the here and now, and I found it in my submission. The mirror of a tuk-tuk is something I have looked into hundreds of times throughout my past two months in Nepal, India and Sri Lanka. Through these mirrors I have witnessed myself and my various travel partners changing and evolving, and have found myself becoming a more confident and seasoned traveller the more I interact with the locals I inadvertently come into contact with through the medium of the tuk-tuk. It may not be the most flattering photo in the world, and it most certainly won’t win me any awards, but it’s where I’m at right now, and I couldn’t be happier.